image from https://www.verywellmind.com/why-relationships-fail-5206956
Guest blog by Aaron Johnson, LCPC
Ever wondered about the interaction of anxiety and relationships? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 1 in 5 American adults report having had an anxiety disorder in the past year, and almost a third of Americans will have an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. While it’s normal to get nervous sometimes, it becomes more of a concern when it starts to impact your quality of life, health and relationships. Humans are naturally social creatures and good relationships are necessary for your happiness. Anxiety can have an impact on all relationships, even the relationship you have with yourself. Being able to recognize and address your own anxiety could be essential to improving your love life.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is described by medicalnewstoday.com as “when a person experiences persistent doubt, fear, or worry in a relationship.” This can include feelings of intense worry about rejection or lack of reciprocal feelings in their relationship, as well as doubts about self-worth.
On the bright side, some anxiety over relationships is normal, whether you’ve been in your relationship for 20 years or you just started dating after matching on Hinge. It’s natural to have some questions about whether your partner truly finds you attractive, loves you, wants to be with you, or is genuinely committed to you. The real problem arises once the natural worries turn into significant stress or self-sabotaging behaviors that have a negative impact on your relationship. This could look like avoiding talking through issues, persistent negative thoughts about your relationship, or engaging in other behaviors that damage your relationship.
Causes of Relationship Anxiety
Negative Past Experiences
Many people may experience anxiety within their relationship due to negative past experiences. You may have had a previous partner cheat on you or break up with you unexpectedly when you thought the relationship was going well. Maybe you have had someone lie to you about their feelings for you or mislead you about the nature of your relationship. Also, being in a “situationship” where you’re more than friends but less than a committed relationship can cause harm to your mental health as it allows for more uncertainty in the boundaries, expectations, and future of your relationship. It’s not unusual to have a hard time trusting again after being hurt, even if your current partner doesn’t engage in any infidelity or dishonesty.
Low Self-Esteem
Another common cause of relationship anxiety is low self-esteem. If you’re struggling with low self-esteem, you may constantly question whether your partner’s feelings for you are genuine or if you deserve their love. Coupled with past negative relationship experiences, this can also heighten your worries about your partner being unfaithful and other concerns that could ultimately cause you to push your partner away.
Poor Communication
Poor communication can be detrimental to a relationship especially if you’re not expressing your needs, feelings, and expectations to your partner. Avoiding those honest and often difficult conversations leads to a build-up of more worries about the authenticity of your partner’s feelings and the future of your relationship.
Other reasons for relationship anxiety
- Attachment difficulties from an earlier age
- Financial stress
- Loss of trust
- Abusive relationships
- Fear of abandonment
- Overthinking and over-analyzing issues
- Fear of commitment
Related Reading: What is Childhood Anxiety
Signs of relationship anxiety
Signs that your relationship anxiety has reached an unhealthy level may not be easy to notice right away, but if you are concerned that your anxiety may be interfering with your relationship, it could be helpful to pause and check in with yourself. Relationship anxiety often causes people to engage in behaviors that end up pushing their partner away. So it’s important for you to be able to notice any signs of relationship anxiety that you may be experiencing. Several signs may let you know that you’re experiencing some level of relationship anxiety. Being aware of those signs can be key for managing that anxiety. Try asking yourself some of the following questions to tease out these signs:
- Do you experience increased anxiety around sexual intimacy?
- Do you rely heavily on your partner to reassure you or calm anxious thoughts?
- Do you avoid serious conversations with your partner because you are afraid of conflict?
- Do you constantly fear that your partner is going to leave you?
- Do you experience anxiety when your partner is away?
- Do you convince yourself your partner is unfaithful with no evidence?
Common symptoms of relationship anxiety
One indication that you may have relationship anxiety is excessive reassurance-seeking about underlying worries. Common worries that drive reassurance-seeking are:
- Wondering if they truly have feelings for you
- Holding doubts about romantic compatibility
- Over-analyzing words and actions for signs of trouble
image from themindsjournal.com/quotes/relationship-anxiety
More indications of relationship anxiety are Self-silencing, which means withholding your opinions or not expressing yourself, and spending more time worrying about the relationship than enjoying it.
Finally, partner accommodation can be a symptom of relationship anxiety. Accommodation refers to purposely staying detached and guarded with your partner to protect yourself against hurt and anticipated difficulties.
Related Reading: What You Need to Know if You’re Struggling with an Unhappy Marriage
How can I overcome relationship anxiety?
Does relationship anxiety go away? Good question. Dealing with relationship anxiety can be challenging, but following are some ways to manage your anxiety and have a happy and healthy relationship with your partner:
- Check yourself: Is this relationship causing me to be more or less of who I am?
- Be mindful: Are my thoughts based on facts or just imaginary scenarios?
- Remind yourself of what you love about your partner
- Seek support from those you trust
- Separate “sabotaging fear” (i.e.; slight issues are blown out of proportion or traps are laid to test your partners fidelity) from normal relationship worries
- Work on communicating your feelings and needs
- Enjoy the present moment
- Confront your anxiety
- Attend therapy
How to Support an Anxious Partner
If you notice these behaviors in your partner and want to be helpful to them, it can be important to first realize how anxiety affects their thinking and behavior. Even though it can be challenging, try not to criticize them for having anxiety or, conversely, dismiss the issue. Also, recognize that you alone can’t “solve their problem” so avoid trying to “fix” them or be their therapist. Communication is key, so take time to learn their fears, triggers, and values while also sharing your own. Lastly, help them feel safe and secure in the relationship by being genuine, supportive, and open to understanding them more. You might also consider couples therapy.
image from https://www.youloveandyoulearn.com/
“We can learn a lot from relationship anxiety; namely, that we are capable of experiencing strong emotion without being ruled by it.” – Dr. Robert Leahy
Therapists at Life Care Wellness are trained in various techniques for treating anxiety, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Mindfulness. If you are struggling with anxiety symptoms, please reach out to us in our Illinois locations in Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), Sycamore, and Yorkville.
Aaron Johnson is a licensed therapist at Life Care Wellness seeing clients in the Jefferson Park neighborhood of Chicago. Aaron specializes in working with children, teens, and young adults who are navigating through difficult times and finding ways to overcome challenges. Aaron utilizes a client-centered, strengths-based approach, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
