Guest post by Marty Dennen LCPC, SEP
Are you struggling with grief? Did you know that there are ways to heal grief with body-oriented therapies like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing? Before we get to the specifics of healing grief with EMDR and Somatic Therapy, let’s look at what grief is and at a roadmap for the journey of healing grief.
What is Grief
Grief is a common experience shared by all human beings. We are made to connect with others. When that connection is broken by loss, we experience that loss as grief. Although the journey of grief is common to every human being, it varies and looks different from person to person.
In his book, Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright says: “Grief encompasses a number of changes. It appears differently at various times and flits in and out of your life. It is a natural, normal, predictable, and expected reaction. It is not an abnormal response. In fact, just the opposite is true.”
The expression of grief has many different faces. It can be felt in heart-wrenching sobs or quiet tears. At various times it can be denial, confusion, bargaining, an angry fist, or subdued acceptance. Grief is not linear. It is a circular and winding journey.
In Western culture, grief is often seen as something to get over and move on from – the sooner the better. But that is at odds with the physiological and emotional reality of grief. There is really no timeline or time limit when it comes to the need to grieve. It takes as long as it takes. You can help yourself get through grief by making lots of space and room to grieve.
How to Process Grief
Now that you know what grief is, let’s take a brief look at the roadmap for how to process grief. This roadmap will help you be more targeted with healing your grief – or help a therapist better help you if you’re struggling with grief.
Psychologist William Worden developed a model called the 4 Tasks of Mourning that is the foundation for many therapists in applying techniques of grief therapy. The 4 Tasks model can offer you a simple guide through the often-complex journey of grief:
- Accept the Reality of the Loss – This means moving from the sense of disbelief through the intellectual acknowledgment of the loss to fully integrating the loss and no longer fighting reality.
- Process the Pain of Grief – Loss is an emotional wound. That pain is experienced not only emotionally, but cognitively, physically, and spiritually, too. So instead of avoiding or suppressing the pain, this task invites the working through of the pain. That may mean crying, writing, making art, praying, reminiscing, and more.
- Adjust to a World Without the “Deceased” – Whether the loss is of a person who has died, the loss of a thing or role, or some other kind of loss, this task is about reorienting yourself to a new normal. This reorientation will likely involve a shift in your identity, taking on different responsibilities, and adopting new beliefs.
- Finding an Enduring Connection with the “Deceased” While Embarking on a New Life – This last task can take a long time. For many, the loss brings the sense of their life stopping. Finding an enduring connection involves finding new ways to experience the connection with the person, thing, or role that was lost so that you can resume your life in a meaningful way.
Does one of these tasks resonate with a struggle you’re having with grief? Know that this roadmap reflects the movement through mourning – and that it is a process. Also know that the journey of grief and mourning is not linear, but that you can move back and forth between these tasks several times. However, if you feel mired in the grief, then a grief counselor might be able to help you in healing your grief.
Related Reading: What to Look for When You’re Searching for Grief and Loss Support
Healing Grief with EMDR and Somatic Therapy
Grief can be processed successfully through the body-oriented approaches of EMDR and Somatic therapies. When it comes to grief, any therapy that addresses the cognitive realm also must give attention to the body’s internal experience of grief and loss.
That’s because grief is fundamentally not a cognitive process. Rather, grief is primarily found in the body. Often people describe grief as a rock or a knot in their heart or in their gut. It is often expressed in tears and in aches and pain in the body.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an 8-phase therapy for trauma. It can also be a way to help the mind and body to process and work through losses. An EMDR therapist helps you to identify resources, real or imagined, that can come alongside you in your grief journey. It can be calming and strengthening to notice the various resources of a quiet or peaceful place, nurturing figures, protective and wise figures.
With these strengthening resources in place, EMDR then puts focus on the loss. With bi-lateral stimulation such as eye movements or alternate tapping on the two sides of the body, EMDR helps your brain to process the pain and the events surrounding the loss. This processing can be gentle, fairly quick (often just a few sessions), and supported by your therapist. And while EMDR is a body-based approach, it is particularly helpful with shifting unhealthy beliefs that may have you stuck in grief.
Related Reading: What is EMDR Therapy and How Does it Work?
Somatic Experiencing therapy focuses on gently bringing inward attention to what is happening and giving support to those parts of yourself that give you your “felt sense.” SE also breaks down working through a loss event into small pieces. An example is slowly focusing on distinct parts of the timeline of the loss. This involves what led up to the loss and when it happened, where you were when you received the news, what that internal sense is for you, etc.
Somatic Experiencing is helpful to ease the bracing and tension you may find inside as you process the loss. SE offers a way of expanding and guiding that tension to move out of the body. For example, this kind of SE grief work often focuses on the heart and the heartache, bringing inward attention to what is being held there. I may ask the client to lay their hand on their heart or, with their permission, I will put my hand gently there as we both attend to the hurt and pain that is there.
EMDR and SE are two body-oriented therapies that can help you with healing grief. You will know that you are healing as you begin to feel more able to rejoin life and when doing normal tasks becomes easier again. You’ll also see an expansion of your ability to experience a full range of emotions again. You will also know you’re healing when moments of remembering the loss are welcomed fondly and gently, and has you hold the deep knowing that life continues.
Moving Forward
Do you need help in moving forward in your grief and mourning process? At Life Care Wellness we offer grief counseling by therapists qualified in EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapies. If you are in the northern Illinois area, please reach out to us in our Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), or Sycamore offices.
Marty specializes in working with eating issues including Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating. She also has many years of experience working with individuals with depression, anxiety, substance addictions, and childhood abuse. Her advanced training is in healing trauma and anxiety disorders from a somatic (body-centered) approach that can include somatic touch skills to support individuals in finding inner strength and resources to cope with past and current challenges.
