Guest post by Marina Lisjonok (MSW, RRT, E-CYT)
When I was 26 years old, my 32-year-old husband died suddenly from a heart attack. Thinking back, I remember that time being the heaviest and most difficult part of my life. I fell into a deep depression to the point where I had a hard time moving, I stopped working, and I often thought about killing myself. The questions “Why?” and “Why me?” constantly swirled through my mind. I felt angry at what happed and at people who “did not get it.” Others found talking with me impossible. I had no idea how to deal with unresolved grief.
One morning, seemingly apropos of nothing, I woke up and heard a voice in my head: “Enough!!”
From that day forward I began coming back to my life. I started reading books on yoga and spirituality. In addition, I decided to practice healthy living and quit smoking. I went back to work, reconnected with friends, and eventually found love again. I came back to feeling happy – but it was a different sense of happiness than I’d experienced before. Now I had a lot more gratitude for having had my husband in my life, for the lessons I learned, for being surrounded by loving and caring people, and for just being alive. When I thought about my husband, grief did not overwhelm me. Instead, I remembered his good heart, his smile, the way he held my hand, and how I felt his presence even after he passed.
We all know that death is part of life. A memorable line from a documentary I once watched: “The death rate is still 100%.” We can’t deny it. Some have said that we would not have any appreciation for life if there wasn’t death.
It is normal for you to feel grief when you experience a loved one passing away or when you have a significant loss. It is a slow, but transient state as one moves through commonly known five stages of grief, finally coming to the stage of acceptance.
“Time heals all wounds” is a common saying, but in reality, it is not always the case. For some, grief continues and even deepens with time if there are unresolved emotional struggles or beliefs standing in the way of clarity and acceptance. Understanding the stages of grief can help with how to deal with unresolved grief.
What are The Five Stages of Grief:
Grief itself is caused by a deep sense of loss, where you acutely feel the absence of your loved one. Your mind struggles with the fact that they will not return and you will have no more opportunities to experience life together and share special moments. Some describe grief as a feeling of heaviness and void.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist studied patients with terminal illness, and in the late 1960s published her findings. She noticed that these patients seemed to go through 5 non-linear stages as they came to terms with the fact that they were dying. These stages were later expanded by David Kessler, a Kübler-Ross colleague. He also applied the stages to people experiencing personal loss.
- Denial:At first, it is hard to believe that they are facing the terminal illness – or that they are gone. It seems surreal that this is happening. It’s easier to cling to other preferable realities.
- Anger:This stage is filled with thoughts and beliefs that it never should have happened, or there is something or someone to blame for it happening. Anger can be at yourself or your loved one for “making poor choices” or subjecting themselves to the circumstance which resulted in their death. The anger can be coupled with self-doubt. You may feel that you could have done something differently to prevent your loved one from dying. On the other hand, you may even feel angry at life or God for “allowing it to happen” or “taking your loved one away.”
- Bargaining:This stage is not experienced by everyone, but it usually centers on a negotiation of some kind in hope of avoiding grief. You might have thoughts of “If I could trade their life for my life” or “Let her just live until our grandchild is born.”
- Depression:Later, the reality of the loss sinks in, and the feeling that it can never be the same and can never be fixed is heavy. Despair and loss of hope are common. You may experience guilt and regrets for not saying your final “good-byes”, not being attentive and kind to them at their final moments, and so forth. While grieving over your loved one’s passing, you can begin to wonder about the meaning and purpose of life. You may even wonder why you are here, and whether you want to continue living since your loved one is gone. These thoughts may also occur because feeling the pain of loss has been unbearable or it is hard to feel joy (what used to feel joyful, no longer does), or life seems so fragile now since it can end at any point.
- Acceptance:This final stage is a relief after the roller-coaster of emotions that have come before it. You no longer fight the inevitable future or the loss. Often there is a calm that comes at this stage, as well as grateful retrospection for the life that was.
What is Unresolved Grief?
According to medical standards, a bereavement over 3 months with impairment in at least 2 spheres of your life is considered unresolved or complicated grief. However, those who work in hospice know that often grief doesn’t truly get going until after the practical tasks associated with the death in the first months are complete. Grief is very individual and can take a long time.
What is important is that the grieving or mourning process continues to move forward. If the process gets stuck, then you have what is called unresolved or complicated grief. These are some signs of unresolved grief:
- You feel worse with time and not better. You may have ongoing intense emotional pain, numbness, disbelief, or loneliness.
- Your mind continually goes back to the event no matter how much time has passed. You feel preoccupied with it, even as you try to avoid reminders of the loss.
- Your daily functioning remains impacted.
- You either over-obsess about health or have no concern for your health.
- You’re struggling with finding meaning and with engaging in life.
- You rely on substances to numb the emotional pain.
We are a lot more accepting of someone dying if they lived a long life, or if we feel that their life came full circle. But you may find yourself a lot more disturbed and devasted when your loved one dies unexpectedly, “before their time,” or due to tragic or traumatic circumstances. The Center for Complicated Grief says that circumstances like these put you at higher risk for complicated grief.
Finally, you can experience flashbacks, nightmares, poor sleep patterns, excessive worry, anxiety or hyper-alertness, if elements from a traumatic/tragic death experience have gotten stuck rather than processed. When your troublesome thoughts and emotions don’t get processed and come to a resolution, your mind continues to feel conflicted, clouded and preoccupied. You can also become stuck in grief when you believe the thoughts and see them as reality versus just a thought.
How you can get unstuck and deal with complicated grief:
You don’t have to remain stuck with unresolved grief. Here are some ideas that can help guide you out of complicated grief, or how to deal with unresolved grief.
- Understand that all emotions and thoughts are transitory. It’s their nature to change. It is worth noticing even the slightest glimpse of ease, even if it lasts for a second. The more we notice these shifts, even if they’re tiny, the more we realize that troublesome emotions are not the only ones we are experiencing.
- Be willing to experience ALL emotions, versus trying to numb the ones that have been troublesome. We can’t numb only one emotion. By numbing one, we numb all of them, including joy. Buddhists, for example, meditate on anger, observing how it feels, versus questioning what caused it. Becoming fully aware of an emotion and separating it from a thought teaches us a lot and usually shortens its lifespan. Remember, don’t judge the emotion – just experience it and know that it will pass.
- It is very helpful to connect and converse with people who can relate and who have already overcome their grief. What they realized and learned from their experiences can be helpful in getting more clarity and understanding. I remember talking to one of my closest friends from college, whose little brother died many years prior. After our conversation, for the first time in months, I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt that she understood what it was like for me, like no other. What she had to say made a huge difference. If you don’t know someone personally who has overcome their grief, consider a grief group:
Bereaved Parents of the USA
For newly bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings.
http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org
Compassionate Friends
Grief support following the death of a child.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org
GriefNet
An excellent website of grief resources, including links to many support groups.
GriefShareA
13-week video and workbook-based support group; each week is self-contained, and one can join at any time.
Rainbows
Support groups for children going through any kind of loss.
- Don’t believe your thoughts, they are just thoughts. Instead, learn the opposite ways of looking at one’s transition. Many spiritual books give perspectives you may not have considered of how to look at death and someone’s passing. They might even give a perspective on what happens after someone passes. An example is “The Luminous Landscape of the Afterlife” by Matthew McKay. Many spiritual paths would suggest that you are immortal. So is your loved one and we transition from one state to another. This way of looking at things may give a great sense of relief.
- Stay connected to your loved ones by talking to them, as they are there with you. You can never lose the connection with someone you love. It is beyond physical. Pay attention when you feel their presence. As I shared earlier, I felt my husband being with me after he died, and it was very real and comforting. I have heard other people have had experiences like that as well.
Our minds produce emotions, thoughts, and sensations, not us. If it was up to us, we would always choose to feel happy and at ease. Please don’t blame yourself for the way you have been feeling and thinking, as you have not been causing it. Many of these thoughts and emotions are confusing, frustrating, and troublesome. It is worth it to meet with a mental health professional to get your mind clear and present. I personally met with a psychologist when my suicidal ideation spiraled. It gave me a chance to talk, vent, process, and to find tools and solutions. I felt heard and understood, where everywhere else I didn’t. I was young and not many of my peers could really relate to what I was experiencing.
During my professional life, I was introduced to Rapid Resolution Therapy and fell in love with it because it has a way to make you feel better pretty much right away. It is just miraculous to see someone coming in full of tears and leaving with a huge sense of relief. RRT might be a help to you if you’re experiencing unresolved grief.
Please take good care of yourself. Life is truly precious. We are all here temporarily. You have to make the intention to have fun while being guided by the love of your loved ones who have already crossed the bridge.
If you are in northern Illinois and are struggling with unresolved grief please contact us and know that you are not alone. Our counselors are ready to help you find joy again.
Blog by Marina Lisjonok (MSW, RRT, E-CYT)
Marina combines counseling techniques with yogic practices in group or individual sessions to help create a safe space and to empower clients to use new tools for self-exploration and discovery. She applies mindfulness, MBCBT, and Rapid Resolution Therapy (RRT), which can produce instant and lasting results. Marina offers services in English and Russian in the Glen Ellyn office.
