Guest post by Codie Surratt, MA, LPC, LMT
Do you struggle with completing tasks? Do you constantly second guess yourself and look to others for validation? Do you feel the need to be liked by everyone? Do you often find yourself judging others? Have you ever put off going somewhere, meeting someone, or doing something you really wanted to do because you didn’t feel you looked good enough? Do you find that you curate your social media to show only the good bits? If you answered yes to any of the above, welcome to the perfectionistic club! While you may have explained your tendencies as “just having a perfectionistic personality,” know that perfectionism can be a cause of unnecessary stress, anxiety, and more. Read on to learn how to manage your perfectionism.
Perfectionistic Behavior – Why?
We all struggle to one degree or another with the need to fit in. Since the beginning of humankind, we have been conditioned to fit in to survive. Basic instincts for survival and safety are baked into our DNA. So the need to be welcomed by your community is not just about having the best fit, driving the best car, or having the best job. It’s about not dying. Extreme? Maybe. Although life has drastically changed from humanity’s earliest days, your brain is still focused on survival. And some of those basic instincts still reside deep within your mindset.
So, are you wondering what all this has to do with perfectionism? Well, the APA dictionary defines perfectionism as the “tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”
Where does this notion of a minimum standard of flawlessness originate? Mental health experts believe that we each develop a story or a set of stories early on in life informed by our earliest experiences of not being enough. Many of us perceive early on what our flaws are. These “flaws” are based on social and economic norms, religious doctrine, our community beliefs, family and media influences, political policies, cultural values, etc.
You are inundated from birth and beyond with who you should be. If you don’t measure up to the story you have internalized, your brain’s “safety-means-being-part-of-the-herd” drive perceives that your shortcoming poses a real threat to your safety. Ah, back to that inherited sense of survival and safety from our earliest ancestors…
So you see, although perfectionism is a learned trait, it becomes interwoven into our physiology. That means it’s also part of being deeply human. Although many of us may suffer varying degrees of this need to be flawless or, dare I say, superhuman, I sincerely hope that you find comfort in the notion that there is no perfection. While an Olympic “perfect 10” score can happen, it’s special precisely because it’s rare. Flawlessness as an ongoing standard cannot be attained. And thank goodness for that, because how boring would a world of constant perfection be?
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for hanging in there with me! You are committed to finding perfectionism help. While is takes sustained effort to shift perfectionism, it is a straightforward process. Here are 5 steps for how to manage your perfectionism.
Steps to Change Perfectionistic Behavior
1). Notice it
Easy enough right? Well, not so fast. We often have a part of us that is highly self-critical. This part may have been around for a very long time. Becoming aware of something that’s always been there may be a bit more challenging than it sounds. However, I assure you that once you’ve started building that self-awareness it will be much easier to spot that little inner critic.
Begin to become familiar with the story you tell yourself about your own worthiness. Is that story rooted in being respectful or good? Were you rewarded for good behavior and punished for bad? Chances are the answer is yes. I feel our culture is founded on the principles that we must be good and respectful to earn our place in society. Notice that.
How does that feel just reading that? Is your inner critic telling you that of course you have to be good and respectful because the alternative is unacceptable? Again, notice that. Get curious about what it would be like to be fully accepted in all of your YOUness – the good and the not so good. Get curious about what that would even mean. If you allowed yourself to show up each day, just as yourself, what would that look like? Can even a tiny part of you feel relief at that prospect?
2). Befriend that inner critic
After you notice and become more aware of that inner critic, you gently up the ante. Now you’re going to befriend that part of you that kept you on our toes. As Richard Schwartz, the developer of Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), states in his book No Bad Parts, all of the parts of us that we wish to change are there for a reason. They all have the intention of keeping us safe. Take a moment to acknowledge all the ways perfectionism shows up in your life. Without judging the perfectionism, notice that it is there to keep you safe.
But even though the intent of this part has been to keep you safe, it’s not been without cost. Being crippled by perfectionism and its accompanying mental health challenges (anxiety, depression, eating disorders, to name a few) is serious. It can feel overwhelming at times to be stuck in what has become a maladaptive coping strategy.
So turn compassion toward that part of you that is still trying to keep you safe and trying to spare you from feeling embarrassed or alienated or whatever horrible feeling it wants to save you from. That inner critic part has worked tirelessly and deserves a little tenderness. When you notice that inner critic showing up, simply acknowledge it and let it know you’re in a new place now: “Hi there old friend. Thanks for the ride so far, but I’m gonna do the driving now.”
3) Challenge the story
Changing your relationship to the part of you that keeps you stuck can feel daunting. I had a client say to me recently, “that sounds great, but how do I do that?” Are you wondering the same thing?
My answer is to get quiet, then get curious. I believe we must get to know ourselves without all the “noise.” So, begin to get quiet, get centered, and find peaceful moments. Do you like nature? Take a walk. Do you like movement? Try some yoga. This quieting first step connects you to your internal self. Then you can start to get curious about what motivates you, what makes you tick, and what keeps you in these cycles of needing to be flawless. Where did these stories become so intricately woven into your personal narrative?
Ask questions of yourself and strive to be truly honest. If you often look to others for approval, what is your first memory of needing to be pleasing? If you gain validation by attention-getting, begin questioning what that has felt like for you and how it first showed up. If you fear failure, get still and ask yourself what would happen if you failed – and how do you know that would happen? When did that story show up for you?
Again, many of our stories showed up when we were younger – when we didn’t have the resources to challenge them at the time. We get to do that now. Remember, these stories once served a purpose of protection, so be kind in your quest to challenge old ideas and manage your perfectionism.
4) Change the story
Now that you’ve built your self-awareness, befriended that inner critic, and begun to gently challenge it with curiosity, you are freed up to begin adopting a new story. You can root this new story in kindness, honesty, and authenticity.
You are beginning to know yourself on a deeper level. With that knowing, you can start to operate from a space of internal validation. Gradually, you will no longer crave and need the validation of others. The protection of your perfectionist part becomes not as needed as it once was.
You will be able to change your relationship with the fear of failure. You will be able to change the idea that your needs matter only if you are good, that if you fail you are then a failure, and so on. This is a journey my friend. “A journey to your innermost self, your self-energy” as Frank Anderson, a trauma and IFS therapist, says in his book Transcending Trauma.
Related Reading: Healing the Dark Side of Perfectionism
5) Adopt a stance of radical self-love
Now that you’ve begun doing the work of changing your relationship with your perfectionist parts, I hope that you are becoming more kind towards those parts of you that were enlisted for pure survival. In doing this work, I find that adopting a stance of radical self-love helps when those internalized stories inevitably will surface again. This is a practice, and it calls for patience and compassion.
Dr. Kristen Neff of the University of Texas at Austin defines self-compassion as both nurturing and fierce. I love that! It takes courage to notice all the ways perfectionism has been marketed to us as the only way to show up in the world. It takes fierce determination to change that message. Finally, it takes radical self-love to continue the journey of aligning with your true self-energy. I invite you to begin the journey.
Consider Perfectionism Therapy
If you are struggling with how to manage your perfectionist behavior or if your efforts to change perfectionism have stalled, we can help you to change. Our counselors are trained to work with a variety of issues, including perfectionism. Please reach out to Life Care Wellness at our Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), or Sycamore offices.
Codie Surratt, MA, LPC, LMT is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a background in trauma-informed grief and mindfulness work. She enjoys helping each of her clients gain their own sense of radical self-acceptance and does so with an integrated and client-centered approach. Codie specializes in working with teenagers, emerging adults, and women.
