Guest blog by Jordan Spinnazola, MSW, LSW, ACSW
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs out there. After all, your child doesn’t come with a parenting manual! Of course, there are books and experts and many studies on parenting styles; however, you are the expert on your child. Parenthood is filled with a lot of trial and error to find what works for you and for your child. While it is hard to say what is the most effective parenting style, one effective parenting style to consider is sturdy parenting.
Sturdy parenting means validating your child’s emotions, maintaining connection with them, and setting firm boundaries with them. Psychologist Becky Kennedy discusses sturdy parenting on her podcast “Good Inside.” Dr. Becky says, “Validation and boundary setting are the two pillars of sturdy parenting.” She points out that many parents do not understand boundaries, which derails sturdy parenting.
This is because the lack of clarity about boundaries causes the parent to second-guess themselves or double down on a punishment, leaving the parent to be often unsure about which way to navigate. Having sturdy parenting’s strong pillar of boundary setting in place provides stability and direction in parenting.
Setting Boundaries
Holding a boundary with a child is much like holding a boundary with another adult. It means to maintain and enforce a limit in the relationship. Healthy boundaries provide a sense of security and autonomy in relationships because the boundaries determine how much others can influence or affect us, as well as how much of our time and energy they can use. Maintaining healthy boundaries with your child helps your child learn how to respect themselves and others.
Related Reading: The B Word-Boundaries
Parents sometimes say to me that they have tried gently parenting their child and it does not work. However, Dr. Becky points out that gentle parenting is a misconception of what she advocates for with sturdy parenting. She says that sturdy parenting allows for certain times when collaboration with your child is a part of the conversation and other times when you as the parent need to step up to be a sturdy leader. It can be tricky to navigate because children experience big emotions when things do not go their way. However, with sturdy parenting you are teaching your child the critical life skills of how to handle things when they don’t go your way.
No matter the age of a child, it is important that they feel like they have some sort of control. That is where a sturdy leader parent discerns when it is appropriate for the child to weigh in and when it is not. For example, your four-year-old demands to ride their bike without a helmet for no other reason than they do not want to wear a helmet. Your child could experience big emotions and be very upset. As a parent that may feel overwhelming. Since you may feel triggered and dysregulated, you may say “Fine – just stop screaming, only this one time though.” Here is the problem though: your four-year-old just took charge when they really needed you to be the sturdy leader.
As the sturdy parent, it is your job to know that when it comes to safety, there is no negotiation or collaboration. It is a firm boundary. Instead of giving in to the child’s demand, the sturdy parent regulates themselves by putting a hand to their chest, taking several slow deep breaths, and reminds themselves the child’s safety is non-negotiable, and they are in charge as the child’s parent. The sturdy parent then tells their child, “I know you are upset and don’t want to wear the helmet; however, it is my job to keep you safe. You either wear the helmet and ride your bike or we will have to find something else to do.”
Supporting your child while holding a boundary is some of the hardest work as a parent, yet it is the most effective in raising an emotionally regulated child.
Something parents often forget when their child is having big emotions is whether the child has the skills and tools to emotionally regulate themselves in that moment. Have you taught your children these skills? If you are unsure, then most likely your child does not have the skills and tools. As a sturdy parent, it is your job to teach them these regulation skills and tools.
Example of Big Emotions
Now let’s talk about how to parent big emotions utilizing sturdy parenting. Imagine it is 8 am – time for breakfast and getting your child ready for school. Your child says “I want a cookie for breakfast.” You can tell they are hungry and they know what they want. However, in your house, you do not eat cookies for breakfast. So, you say to your child, that is not something we can eat for breakfast – it is something you could have after lunch for a snack. Your child loses it. They throw themselves to the ground and begin yelling/screaming/kicking that they want a cookie now.
With certain parenting styles, parents might look at this child as disrespectful, rude, etc. However, when you remember that a child is a complex human being with complex emotions, you can shift your perspective and the way you respond. You can validate the emotion. “Hey, I know you are upset that you cannot have a cookie for breakfast, that is fair. You are allowed to be upset AND the rule in our house is that we do not eat cookies for breakfast.” You validated the emotion, so the child feels heard. And you held your boundaries as a sturdy parent.
Related Reading: How Parenting Styles Affect Child Development
Some parents say to me, “Well it is silly for them to be upset about that.” That’s fair. AND it is how your child feels. (Your child with limited emotional regulation skills.) To get through hard moments like this, validation is the first key. The second is holding that boundary. “Now you have to eat something for breakfast, would you like a bagel or waffles?” They can continue to be upset but that is now the boundary. This example also allows for collaboration. This is where you could ask your child in a “this or that” statement what they want to eat for breakfast. It is not a safety issue, and so collaboration is an option.
As a follow-up, parents will tell me their child will say hurtful things or throw something when they are upset. Once again, holding a firm boundary is the answer here. “Hey I know you are upset AND, in this house, you are not allowed to throw things when you are angry.” Then give them a tool, or something they can do when they are angry. When you just simply tell your child they cannot do something when they feel this way, they often do not know what else to do. You must teach them a skill. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to deal with their emotions.
I usually suggest that parents wait until your child is no longer heightened to teach the skill. However, you can remind them of it when they are angry. “Hey, remember how we talked about when you are angry you can go yell in a pillow? That would be something you could do with your body instead of throwing that cup.” Being firm, direct, and compassionate is how a sturdy parent will look during this time.
Regulation Techniques
Teaching children to regulate is key to effective parenting. Following are some quick go-to regulation techniques:
- 5-4-3-2-1, deeply notice five things you see, then four things you hear, then three things smell, then two things feel, and, finally, one thing you can taste. Take about 5 seconds noticing each thing.
- Box breathing. Inhaling for three counts, holding for a three count, exhaling for a three count, holding for a three count. Breathe in an out like breathing through a straw.
- Grounding yourself. Go outside and plant your feet in the earth, feel your feet below you and inhale and exhale slowly.
- Zones of regulation. Color coded guide to identifying where you are with emotions in your body. What color goes with what sensation? Which colors/sensations feel the least activated?
Those are just some of the many regulation techniques children can learn.
Remember that two things can be true at the same time. You can love your child and not love the tough parenting moments. Remember that you are still a good parent and your child is still a good child even during the tough moments. Also remember it may take time to feel confident with sturdy parenting. For more information on sturdy parenting please visit goodinside.com where Dr. Becky Kennedy helps guide parents even more in the step-by-step process.
If as a parent you are struggling to teach your child to regulate and feel unsure what to do, please reach out to Life Care Wellness. We have office locations in Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), and Sycamore.
Jordan Spinazzola is an associate therapist at Life Care Wellness. She works with all ages and with couples and families, as well as individuals. Jordan utilizes traditional talk therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), strengths-based therapy, mindfulness, and motivational interviewing. Jordan sees clients via telehealth.
