Guest blog by Codie Surratt, MA, LCPC, EMDR
Reparenting is a deeply transformative process that allows us to heal wounds from the past and cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves. Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), reparenting becomes a journey of reconnecting with our inner parts, fostering a compassionate inner dialogue, and embodying the qualities of Self-leadership to meet the needs of these parts. Let’s explore how to reparent your inner child through IFS, and how this can empower you to build a nurturing, supportive inner world.
What is Reparenting?
Reparenting involves stepping into the role of a loving, supportive caregiver for yourself, addressing unmet needs or wounds from childhood. This concept originates from the idea that many of us carry emotional wounds from early experiences where caregivers were unable to provide the safety, love, or validation we needed. These unmet needs don’t disappear as we age; they live on in our psyche, often creating inner conflicts or triggering maladaptive coping strategies.
In IFS, these experiences are said to be carried by parts of us: Protectors, Exiles, and Wounded Inner Children. Reparenting, from an IFS perspective, is about recognizing and caring for these parts from a place of Self-energy.
The Role of Self in Internal Family Systems
At the heart of IFS is the concept of Self: the compassionate, wise, and curious essence within each of us. Self-energy is the foundation for healing, as it provides the qualities of a nurturing parent—patience, presence, and unconditional love.
When we operate from a growing Self, we can create a safe and nonjudgmental space for our parts to share their experiences and express their needs. Reparenting through an IFS lens is about leading with Self to care for the parts of us that have been hurt, neglected, or burdened.
Identifying the Parts in Need of Reparenting
The first step in reparenting is getting to know the parts of you that feel wounded, rejected, or abandoned. Internal Family Systems suggests that these parts often present as either Exiles or Protectors.
Exiled parts of self are vulnerable parts carrying painful emotions like shame, sadness, fear, or loneliness.
Protector parts adopt strategies to shield exiles from further harm. Common strategies are people-pleasing, perfectionism, or avoidance.
Take time to notice these parts as they come forward. Perhaps you feel an inner critic berating you for making a mistake or an exile flooding you with a sense of shame that seems to come out of nowhere. These are signals that a part of you is seeking attention and care.
Related Reading: Treating Anxiety with Internal Family Systems Therapy
Cultivating a Relationship with Your Parts
In Internal Family Systems, the process of reparenting begins by building a relationship with your parts. Start by turning inward with curiosity and compassion:
- Pause and Notice: When you feel triggered, pause to acknowledge what’s happening inside. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? What part of me is activated?”
- Listen with Curiosity: Approach your parts with curiosity rather than judgment. You might ask, “What are you afraid of? What do you need from me?”
- Offer Validation: Let your parts know that their feelings and experiences are valid. For example, you might say internally, “I see you, and it makes sense that you feel this way.”
Over time, these steps create a foundation of trust, allowing your parts to feel safe enough to open up to you – and become allies in healing.
Becoming the Loving Inner Parent
Once you’ve built a connection with your parts, the next step is to embody the qualities of a loving parent. Following are some ways that you can practice reparenting:
- Offer Safety and Comfort
Your inner child parts may carry fears rooted in past experiences where they felt unsafe or unprotected. Offer them reassurance that you (an adult now!) are here to keep them safe now. For instance, you might imagine holding a scared part in a comforting embrace or telling it, “You don’t have to handle this alone anymore.”
- Meet Emotional Needs
Ask your parts what they need in the moment. Do they need love, attention, or validation? Use visualization or affirmations to provide these needs. For example, you might visualize creating a safe space for your inner child to play or tell them, “You are enough just as you are.”
- Set Healthy Boundaries
Reparenting involves teaching your parts that you will protect them by setting boundaries. For example, if a part feels overwhelmed by someone’s demands, let it know that you will say “no” to protect its energy. This demonstrates that you are capable of being a reliable and protective caregiver.
- Foster Play and Joy
Many inner child parts long to experience playfulness and joy. Engage in activities that bring you a sense of fun or creativity, like painting, dancing, or exploring nature. Invite your parts to join you in these moments, allowing them to feel the lightness and freedom they may have missed out on.
Healing Through Self-Compassion
A central aspect of reparenting in Internal Family Systems is cultivating self-compassion. When we approach our inner world with kindness, we disrupt the cycle of self-criticism and shame that keeps parts stuck in pain.
Here are some affirmations to integrate into your reparenting practice:
“It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here for you.”
“You are not alone. I’ll take care of you now.”
“You are worthy of love, no matter what.”
These affirmations remind your parts that they are seen, valued, and unconditionally loved.
The Transformational Power of Reparenting
Reparenting yourself is not a quick fix but a journey of self-discovery and healing. Through consistent practice, you’ll notice profound shifts. One such shift will be greater inner harmony. Parts that once felt disconnected or in conflict begin to work together under the guidance of adult Self. You also may notice increased emotional resilience as you develop the capacity to respond to challenges from a grounded and compassionate place. In addition, you may feel deeper Self-Love. By meeting your own needs, you create a sense of wholeness and acceptance.
Reparenting through Internal Family Systems is a gift you give to yourself — a chance to rewrite the narratives of your past and create a nurturing inner world. By leading with Self-Energy, you can build a relationship with your parts rooted in compassion, care, and trust.
Remember, healing is a process, and it’s okay to take small steps. Every moment you spend listening to your parts and meeting their needs is a step toward creating the loving inner parent you’ve always deserved. Therapists at Life Care Wellness can guide you in reparenting your inner child. Please contact us in our Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), or Sycamore offices.
Codie Surratt works with children, teens, and adults at Life Care Wellness in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. She uses an integrative approach, including Internal Family Systems, EMDR, mindfulness-based therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, positive psychology, strength-based therapy, play therapy, and somatic therapy. Codie also has experience coaching clients to help with short-term goal setting, relationship issues, job transitions, self-esteem, and health and wellness issues.
