Guest post by Sarah Van Meter
Are you a parent of a teenager and ever wondered “why won’t my teen listen to me?” or “why don’t they talk to me?” As long as there have been teenagers there appears to have been tension or conflict between parents and their teens. Even as a therapist who specializes in working with teens, I am wading through my own moments of “Mother! You just don’t understand!” as my oldest daughter is creeping closer to thirteen. For all the parents out there feeling the gray hairs form from dealing with their teens, have no fear! You can learn how to talk to your teenager, and there are some steps you can take to improve communication with your teen child.
Adolescence Is About Identity
I want to begin this discussion with a gentle reminder of what the teen years are all about, both psychologically and developmentally. Erik Erikson developed a theory about the various “conflicts” human beings face over the life span. The “conflict” he presented for the adolescent years is “identity versus role confusion.” What this means is that from the age of twelve to eighteen, adolescents’ main goal is figuring out who they are. This is a time that they are challenging the thoughts they grow up with, trying on different identities, and pulling away from family expectations to try out other experiences.
The behavior that you as a parent may be viewing as defiance and being difficult may actually be developmentally appropriate for these years. When I find myself butting heads with my daughter or teen clients, I have to ask myself, “Am I refusing to see this behavior as developmentally appropriate, or they are just being a ‘difficult teen’?” More often than not, I find that I’m overlooking a developmentally appropriate response.
How to Talk to Your Teenager
You’re a normal parent if there are a lot of teenage issues that you may be concerned about and want to talk over with your child. Whether it’s talking to your teenager about depression, about weight, about sex, about social media use, or their mental health and maybe a need for counseling, here are four tips that can help those conversations go better.
1. Notice Non-verbal Communication
Non-verbal communication includes all the things that we communicate through our facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and body stance. It’s estimated that over 70 percent (some say up to 93 percent) of communication is actually from these non-verbals. It is very easy to misread and misinterpret someone else’s non-verbal communication. Therefore, it is really important for you as a parent to tune in to your teenagers’ non-verbals. Equally important, you need to learn how your teen might be reading your own non-verbals!
For example, if you are engaging with your teen and they suddenly tense, there might be something they are reading in you to cause the tensing. Consider if you’re presenting in a closed-off or angry manner. If so, your teen is less likely to open up to you.
A common teenage non-verbal is the famous eye roll and huff. I have learned that teens often don’t even realize they are rolling their eyes. Instead of punishing them for it, it often works better to gently bring their awareness to it. Now chances are your teen will say, “No I didn’t.” If this happens, instead of arguing the point with them, just remind them that sometimes people do things without realizing it and that you noticed that their eyes did roll. This is a good time to invite them to share with you what they see you doing that may be out of your own awareness.
Related Reading: How to Recognize Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Teens
2. Listening Actively
Active listening isn’t just “listening.” It is listening with your full attention. Active listening is when the person you are listening to is your sole focal point. You aren’t thinking about what you will say, or how you are feeling. You don’t worry about other issues in your life. It’s not easy, especially in our fast-paced world, but it can be a game-changer with your teen.
The biggest thing you can do to help yourself with active listening is to minimize distractions. Put down the phone when you are talking to your teen. Turn off the TV. Stop doing tasks and chores. Sit down and give your teen your full attention. All my teen clients tell me that they wish that their parents would just stop and listen to them.
Taking the time to truly listen with no agenda can make a world of difference. Letting your teen know you hear them and showing them that you care enough to pause and be with them encourages them to talk more freely with you. So when you’re frustrated trying to get your teenager to listen, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re actively listening to your teen.
Related Reading: How to Talk to Your Kid So They Will Listen
3. Understand and Validate Your Teen’s Point of View
Validation can be a tricky thing, so I need to say this… validation does NOT mean agreement or approval. Many people tend to think that if they validate their teen’s behavior or thoughts it means that they are condoning it. This is not the case.
Validation simply means looking at the situation from your teen’s point of view and letting them know you see their point of view. Can you understand how they would think or react in that particular situation? You might not agree with it, but you can have that understanding.
Recently, one of my teen clients got into a fight. The fight was sparked by a peer making fun of her family. While I did not condone the fight and thought there were many other things she could have done instead of fighting, I made a point to stop and consider what the situation was like for her. Could I understand that she was mad that someone was making fun of her family? Could I understand how she would want to defend her family? And could I understand that she wanted to stand up to this person and make them shut up? The answer to all those questions was YES.
So, I validated those thoughts and feelings. I told her that I could understand how she was feeling at that moment and why she made the choices that she did. I then told her I thought there were better choices that she could have made in response. We explored what else she could do if she felt that way in a future situation.
To you as a parent, some things your teen talks about might be silly middle or high school drama, but you must look at it from their point of view. These teenager issues are not silly to them. If you can validate your teen, it shows that you “get it” and that helps your teen share more with you.
4. Use “I” Statements, Not “You” Statements
“You” statements (examples below) are known for causing tension and fights. That’s because “You” statements place the blame for a situation on the other person. And when that other person – your teen – feels they are being blamed, they are more likely to fight back.
“I” statements do the opposite. That’s because “I” statements challenge us to present our thoughts and feelings about how the other person’s actions affect us, while also requesting what you would like them to change.
Example of a “You” statement: “Why are YOU home late? YOU didn’t even call me! Is it really that hard to pick up that phone and let me know YOU are going to be late?!?”
These kinds of statements virtually guarantee your teen will reply in a defensive manner. Whether it’s snapping back or shutting down, the defensiveness ends any chance of productive communication happening.
Now consider this example of an “I” statement: “I was starting to get worried because it was getting late, and I hadn’t heard from you. I was picturing the worst. I really need you to call me if you’re going to be late.” More likely than not, your teen will say they are sorry and explain why they were late or didn’t call.
“I” statements unfortunately are not common in our society. So, they may take a little practice and time. However, once you start to use them, communication becomes more open, even as you are modeling the use of “I” statements for your teen. Sooner or later your teen will start to say their own “I” statements back to you, too.
The teen years are a difficult time for teens and parents alike. It is important that your teen and you work together through these years. Improving communication is a big step to helping these years become much more enjoyable.
If you are in northern Illinois and have tried some of the approaches mentioned above but still want some help with how to talk to your teenager, therapy is available. The therapists at Life Care Wellness work with children, adults, and families. Please reach out to us in our Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), Sycamore, or Yorkville locations.
Sarah VanMeter works with all ages and specializes in working with at-risk youth, youth in foster care, and those with complex trauma. Sarah utilizes Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). She has completed training in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Health Coaching, and Fostering and Adoptive Concerns. Sarah also has advanced training in working with survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence.
