You love your child, but do you ever wonder if you’d have better luck talking to a rock? Whether they ignore you, talk back to you, or just don’t do what you ask, it can leave you drained and at a loss for what to do. You’re probably wondering, “Why doesn’t my kid listen to me?!” After all, you were never like that…. were you? So how do you talk to your kid so they will listen?
You’ve probably tried lots of things. Raising your voice louder and louder until you get a reaction. Repeating yourself until you get a response. But all these methods seem to do is ping-pong negativity back and forth, worsening the cycle of miscommunication. To diminish some of your frustration, it can be helpful first to understand the reasons your child doesn’t listen – the first time or even at all.
Why Doesn’t My Kid Listen to Me
One reason that kids don’t listen is that they want to assert themselves. And actually, that’s not a bad thing. You want your kids to become independent adults, and that requires the skill of asserting oneself. When kids assert themselves, they are responding to a biological drive to “individuate and separate” – to establish themselves as distinct from you. If you can keep this biological drive in mind, it can take a bit of the sting out of your child not responding to you.
Another reason that your child may not listen to you, especially the first time, is that they may be trying to exert power or control, which children have very little of when you think about it. We human beings like to have control when we can – whether we’re 8 months, 8 years, or 80 years old! The world can be a scary and frustrating place, so having control helps to mediate those feelings of fear and frustration.
A common reason your kid may not be listening to you is that something else has their attention. Believe it or not, being able to readily switch your attention in a situation where there is no potential threat is a skill that we all develop in childhood. It is also a part of what is called the brain’s executive functions. If your child has difficulty switching their attention when they’re concentrating on something else, that’s a sign that this skill is still emerging.
Yet another reason that your child may not be listening to you is that they may be ignoring you if they feel judged or that they did something bad. They also may have a hard time listening if they feel unheard or their feelings have been minimized. So it’s important to be honest with yourself as a parent and ask yourself, “Might I be doing something that inadvertently or directly is contributing to my child not listening to me?”
Finally, you may want to rule out whether your child’s difficulty in listening to you is a symptom of a mental health condition such as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Other conditions that can affect your child’s ability to listen include Depression, Anxiety, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). A child and adolescent therapist can be helpful in sorting this out and in providing treatment.
Getting Your Child to Listen the First Time
Sometimes you can make the mistake of thinking that your child is simply a little adult. But in reality, kids can’t function as adults. Their brains are still developing, and they don’t always fully understand the consequences of not following through as adults do. So, if you want to know how to talk to your kid so they will listen, the next sentence is key. Slow down, get them to look you in the eyes, have them repeat your command back to you, and watch them begin the task. That’s the foundation.
It works best to state a command rather than ask a question. This leaves little reason for them to negotiate. For example, “It’s time to clean
your room now” rather than “Can you please clean your room.” This doesn’t mean that you can’t give them choice. It’s important to do just that as often as you can! For example, say “Would you like broccoli or carrots” rather than “Eat some vegetables.”
Make sure your kids aren’t distracted when you talk to them. Getting their attention first is a way of showing your child respect. When dealing with younger kids, use fewer words and simple phrasing. (This can also be a helpful technique with teenagers!) Be clear on what you need from them, and don’t ask a question because this gives them an opportunity to talk back or negotiate.
Giving commands doesn’t mean negative commands. Rather than telling them what not to do, tell them what to do instead. For example, “Please leave your wet shoes in the mud room” rather than “Don’t leave your wet shoes on the wood floor.”
In order to talk to your kid so they will listen, make sure your child is in the right state of mind when you communicate with them. Sometimes you don’t sleep well or are distracted. Kids experience the same thing. Pay attention to the state of mind they’re in and determine whether they (or you) may need to cool down first. If both of you step back for a bit, you will better communicate. The older a child gets, the more likely you’ll have to do this.
Praise good behavior by giving positive reinforcement when your child does what you tell them. And, it’s also important to provide encouragement when they struggle instead of giving negative feedback. This will make them want to continue working toward success. Some parents may turn to punishment when other approaches don’t work, however, this could reinforce negative behaviors rather than stop them. One method of positive reinforcement is to take time to praise good listening behavior rather than only singling out when they’re not listening. When dealing with teenagers, they need clear boundaries and expectations so it’s important to provide specific and direct messaging to prevent miscommunication.
How to Talk to a Teenager
Teenagers are at a stage where they’re learning to establish their sense of independence. Teens are beginning to make decisions about things that have real consequence, but they aren’t good at regulating their emotions yet, so they are prone to making risky or impulsive decisions. And as you probably have experienced, they also aren’t very receptive to what they perceive to be parental interference. To talk to a kid of any age so they will listen, you can start by listening to them when they mention something rather than pressure them for information. Validate their feelings and show that you trust them. Make sure to praise them. Parents tend to praise young children, but adolescents need it just as much.
Related Reading: 9 Reasons Anxiety Disorder in Teens is On the Rise
When your teenager is being rude or disrespectful it’s easy to lose your temper. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Do whatever it takes to stay calm no matter what your teen says. One reason teens talk back is that they think they can get you to change your mind. Don’t give in when they behave disrespectfully because you’ll reinforce this behavior, and your teen will learn it’s an effective means of getting what they want. Show that you’re willing to make changes as well. If they say you always ask them to do something when they’re in the middle of a show or talking to their friends, work together to find a solution.
Disciplining a Child Who Won’t Listen
Healthy discipline involves making sure the consequence fits the offense. Rely on natural consequences whenever possible as they have the most powerful effect. In addition, follow through on your word. Enforce the boundaries you set or they won’t take you seriously. Also, speak kindly and respectfully and make sure that you listen to their feelings first. Ask them how you can help them succeed and make sure you understand what they tell you.
If you are in northern Illinois and have tried some of the approaches mentioned above but still need some help talking to your kid so they will listen, therapists at Life Care Wellness work with children, adults, and families. Please reach out to us in our Glen Ellyn, Chicago (Jefferson Park), Sycamore, or Yorkville locations.
Rhonda Kelloway is the owner and principal therapist at Life Care Wellness, a group psychotherapy practice in Glen Ellyn, Sycamore, Chicago (Jefferson Park neighborhood), and Yorkville, Illinois. She is a trauma specialist utilizing a Somatic Experiencing framework to utilize the body’s wisdom in healing. She also uses EMDR and a variety of traditional psychotherapy approaches in her work. In addition to being a psychotherapist, she is a trained divorce and family mediator.
